When one can’t be around someone they really like. Then, progressively become paranoid with dark thoughts, negative conclusions that make them feel like shit. And to make things worst, I asked a “friend” if they could do me a simple favor, to which they responded “I feel like you might want to find a new hobby”. Seriously, what she said was a sucker punch to my spirit, to have the nerve to make a comment like that with no grasp on my relationship with her, how ignorant of you.
I’ve been wanting to tell you how I truly feel. The opportunity has yet to arise, and I’m not sure if it ever will. But, there’s been this compulsion, a gnawing desire to let you know.
Something tells me you already know (or have a hunch) about what I want to say, and it scares me. I don’t know how you will take it. Shit, I wouldn’t know how to take it. A part of me believes you’ll take what I say and not only accept it, but reciprocate the feelings. Another part says you’ll turn away and run, never to be around you again. Though, the worst, most realistic consequence my mind has conjured up is that you’ll listen and reply…
We’re close friends. And that’s it. We had a chance once. Things seemed right. Everything seemed right. It wasn’t.
And looking back I see what we had back then clearly had its faults.
Nevertheless, that’s all that can be done now, look back. Those feelings came and left. I’m Sorry.
My mind is going in all sorts of directions trying to rationalize why I feel this way.
Your just stuck on your first love, she’s been the only one to get as close as she did with you. To be with anyone else just seems crazy to you right now. That’s not it, I’ve tried being with others. Those feelings just aren’t there the way they are with her. You’re stuck in that game of hard to get and just want her because you think you can’t. No, I was with her once…and no…simply no.You see her as the perfect person, but I know if you got to spend more time with her, you’d see that things aren’t what you picture them to be.This was valid at one point, back when I was legitimately blinded by love (more likely infatuation.) However, time has passed and I’ve reflected on that phase to realize, she’s not perfect, but she’s right for me, flaws and all.
At this point, I might as well spit it out. Instead, I’m going to keep it to myself for now. Having written all this down calmed me down a little. Keep a clear head. Come to terms with the idea that here and now is not the “opportunity”. Also, methinks I’ll come off as a tad loopty for this.
So on that note, Goodnight.